By Camryn Friedman ’27 (DCI Fellow)
During a lively conversation with family and friends, our loud demeanor suddenly shifted into hushed tones when the discussion transitioned to politics. Knowing that some of the people there had strong political views that are very different from our own, we were careful that they would not overhear what we had to say in order to avoid an argument.
This stood out to me because this aversion to discussing politics with those that disagree with me is paradoxical to everything I do with the DCI. I am a strong proponent of having these difficult conversations with people that have varying opinions from my own, so why is it so difficult for me to practice this with those I am close with?
The DCI brings together people from many different backgrounds and places them into groups to have these deliberations. The people in D Teams do not previously know each other – they come into the conversation as strangers. Without the pressure of maintaining a relationship with these people, it can feel easier to honestly share your opinions and not judge others for their views.
With family and friends, people often feel compelled to hold the same beliefs. We inherently want to have things in common with those we are close to, and since politics is such a personal thing that many feel passionate about, we tend to prioritize it as something we want to have in common with those around us.
In Robert B. Talisse and Scott Aikin’s book Why We Argue, they write how arguing is a display of respect and care for one another. When we have a belief that is challenged by someone we are close with, we feel compelled to argue with them because we believe we are right and do not want them to be wrong. We can even feel embarrassed or concerned about people that disagree with us because of how strongly connected we are to our own political beliefs.
Therefore, our emotions when discussing politics with those we are close with can be much more intense than when we talk with strangers. This makes deliberation easier and more effective with people who you did not previously know. I think this allows the DCI to have highly productive conversations.
The goal of deliberation is not necessarily to come to an agreement, it is to find common ground and open your mind to why people who disagree with you hold those views. In our relationships – family, friends, neighbors, etc. – we should work to approach our discussions with this same mindset. Arguing with those we care about is inherent in human nature, but we can strive to use deliberative values to have these conversations rather than acting overly defensive.
Next time the subject of politics arises when I am around people who hold different beliefs from my own, I hope to have an open-minded and productive conversation with them rather than speaking quietly or changing the subject to avoid an argument. I know that I do not need to be in agreement with everything my friends and family believe. While we feel compelled to argue because we care about them, having productive conversations rather than forming a hostile environment is necessary. We must respectfully deliberate with them to find what we have in common and understand their perspective.
